Britney Named In The Top Five “Unsexiest Women Alive” by Maxim
Oh, snap! Maxim magazine recently named Britney in the top five UNSEXIEST women alive, and I have to say: if I look like Britney does after giving birth to two kids, I’ll think I’m one DAMN SEXY MAMA. That said, here’s Maxim’s list:
5. Britney Spears
Where You´ve Seen Her Unsexy: Filling chicken-grease-stained sweatpants on the cover of every trashy tabloid and gossip blog on the Internet
Why She´s Unsexy: Less than five years ago, Britney had a python wrapped around her well-toned torso onstage at the VMAs. Since then, she´s lost the ability to perform, but gained two kids, two useless ex-husbands, and about 23 pounds of Funyun pudge.
4. Madonna
Where You´ve Seen Her Unsexy: On tour, at the Wailing Wall, in the pharmacy´s menopause aisle
Why She´s Unsexy: After building a personal fortune on Top 40 pornography, Madonna traded pioneering sexuality for, like other old Jewish women, self-righteous bellyaching and rapid postnuptial deterioration. Combine a Paris Hilton-like pet accessorizing fetish only for dirt-poor foreign babies with a mug that looks Euro-sealed to her skull, and you´ve got Willem Dafoe with hot flashes.
3. Sandra Oh
Where You´ve Seen Her Unsexy: Grey´s Anatomy
Why She´s Unsexy: The only thing worse than a show about doctors is a show about sappy chick doctors we´re forced to watch or else our girlfriends won´t have sex with us. We´re holding Dr. McSkinny, with her cold bedside manner and boyish figure, personally responsible.
2. Amy Winehouse
Where You´ve Seen Her Unsexy: Onstage, offstage, and in the tabloids after cleaving herself and her husband
Why She´s Unsexy: When we first heard this chick boast about her reluctance to go to rehab we thought, Now there´s a girl we can party with! But upon beholding her openly hemorrhaging translucent skin, rat´s nest mane and lashes that look more like surgically attached bats, we were the ones screaming, “Nooo, nooo, nooo!�
1. Sarah Jessica Parker
Where You´ve Seen Her Unsexy: Sex and the City, Failure to Launch, Honeymoon in Vegas
Why She´s Unsexy: How the hell did this Barbaro-faced broad manage to be the least sexy woman in a group of very unsexy women and still star on a show with “sex� in the title? Pull your skirt down, Secretariat, we´d rather ride Chris Noth.
Britney Spears, Britney, Spears, britney-spears, madonna, sarah jessica parker, amy winehouse, sandra oh, celebrity, celebrities
October 15th, 2007 at 3:45 pm
What a horrible column (not your’s, Jes, but Maxim). It’s not only mean spirited and unfunny, but I don’t like how it objectifies women. I’ve never read Maxim before, but if this is an indication of the quality, I won’t be reading it at all.
October 15th, 2007 at 10:35 pm
[...] Why She´s Unsexy: After building a personal fortune on Top 40 pornography, Madonna traded pioneering sexuality for, like other old Jewish women, self-righteous bellyaching and rapid postnuptial deterioration. Combine a Paris Hilton-like pet accessorizing fetish only for dirt-poor foreign babies with a mug that looks Euro-sealed to her skull, and you´ve got Willem Dafoe with hot flashes. (more…) [...]
October 15th, 2007 at 11:15 pm
Wow! Jeff’s right, how mean! (Although I do agree with their comment about Meredith Grey - I just don’t get it/her/the whole show.)
October 16th, 2007 at 12:04 pm
I’m sure that if writers for Maxim were followed around 24/7 they could easily land in their own “unsexiest human beings” list.
Like you say Jes, if I looked as good as Brit within a year of having the second of two kids in just over a year, I would know I was one hot mama!
They can have their hot 100 list, but they should leave these type of lists alone. It just makes them look like small, sad people with no tact or taste. But then again, I can’t remember the last time anyone ever accused Maxim of having taste.
October 16th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
That comment about Sarah Jessica Parker was waaay harsh. Not to stir anything up, but is there a magazine that lists the top five unsexiest men? I doubt it.
October 17th, 2007 at 4:48 am
Gee, Lydnsey, I think the field is so wide open they found it impossible to narrow it down to five, so stopped in frustration.
October 24th, 2007 at 4:47 pm
[...] with a mug that looks Euro-sealed to her skull, and you´ve got Willem Dafoe with hot flashes. (more…) .adHeadline {font: bold 10pt Arial; text-decoration: underline; color: #0000FF;} .adText {font: [...]
October 30th, 2007 at 5:00 am
[...] Why She´s Unsexy: After building a personal fortune on Top 40 pornography, Madonna traded pioneering sexuality for, like other old Jewish women, self-righteous bellyaching and rapid postnuptial deterioration. Combine a Paris Hilton-like pet accessorizing fetish only for dirt-poor foreign babies with a mug that looks Euro-sealed to her skull, and you´ve got Willem Dafoe with hot flashes. (more…) [...]
November 5th, 2007 at 5:51 pm
[...] Where You´ve Seen Her Unsexy: On tour, at the Wailing Wall, in the pharmacy´s menopause aisle Why She´s Unsexy: After building a personal fortune on Top 40 pornography, Madonna traded pioneering sexuality for, like other old Jewish women, self-righteous bellyaching and rapid postnuptial deterioration. Combine a Paris Hilton-like pet accessorizing fetish only for dirt-poor foreign babies with a mug that looks Euro-sealed to her skull, and you´ve got Willem Dafoe with hot flashes. (more…) [...]
November 12th, 2007 at 8:29 pm
[...] nightclub in Los Angeles on Tuesday night until she found out about the magazine’s most recent “top five unsexiest women� poll, alongside Madonna, Amy Winehouse, Sandra Oh and Sarah Jessica [...]
November 13th, 2007 at 12:18 am
[...] nightclub in Los Angeles on Tuesday night until she found out about the magazine’s most recent “top five unsexiest women� poll, alongside Madonna, Amy Winehouse, Sandra Oh and Sarah Jessica Parker. [...]
November 16th, 2007 at 9:03 pm
[...] always make good ratings. In her days before joining the The Three Skank-a-teers (Lindsay Lohan, Brittney Spears and of course Paris Hilton) she proved her range as an actress so this would be a very smart move [...]
November 29th, 2007 at 8:37 am
[...] nightclub in Los Angeles on Tuesday night until she found out about the magazine’s most recent “top five unsexiest womenâ€? poll, alongside Madonna, Amy Winehouse, Sandra Oh and Sarah Jessica Parker. (more…) [...]